Who's afraid of the big bad blog?

Quite frankly, I am. Ridiculous if you know me, right? Most of my friends and family would say I'm strongly opinionated and confident. Those who don't know me may wonder what could be so frightening about some public virtual musings that few in the world will read. Yet, here I am, nervously crunching away on a bowl of radishes because I don't smoke anymore, and drunk blogging sounds like a mistake I'd like to save for later. 

I am afraid for many reasons:

Reason one, what if nobody reads it? That would solidify my fear that I am just a ghost, a phantom observer in this world. It's been a life-long theme to be ignored or forgotten. Most likely it started out as a coping mechanism, blending into the background, out of the way of someone else's anger or abuse. But the older I get the less I fear reprisal and the more I fear nobody ever knowing or remembering that I, the real I, ever existed. Since I was a little girl, I'd get left or looked over, as an adult, even more so. My parents would leave me places. School wouldn't count me absent because nobody had noticed I wasn't there. Friends that I cared deeply for would just disappear because something more interesting in life came along. Sometimes I would struggle to keep in touch, feeling hurt as responses grew increasingly spread out and distant. Sometimes I would just mourn the lost connection, accepting that what had been meaningful to me wasn't so much to the other person. God manages the ebb and flow of people throughout our lives, but my fear of being an imaginary person persists.

Reason two, how will people react to me? I'm a faker. It's easy to know what I'm supposed to be in a given situation, around a certain set of people, and it is easier to perform than it is to risk being misunderstood or ridiculed. Most of my bonds are superficial or limited in scope. A lot of my authentic being has or would cause my loved ones discomfort, so in the box it goes. I hurt, it goes in the box. I want, it goes in the box. I fear, it goes in the box. Even amidst my strongest relationships, with my children and my brother, I am only a partial version of myself. The lessons of what happens to those vulnerable parts of myself when I hold them out has taught me that it is not safe to share them with anyone. Sharing them with everyone in this little box, a little scary. Boundaries are not my specialty, so if or when you read something that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, but not that sorry, wuss.

Reason three, my biggest fear, runaway ego is a destructive drug. I worry that people will overly or unduly support these bloggings, and I will take my eyes off of God's purpose for me and seek instead more affirmation by anyone who reads it. There have been times I have recieved kudos, some deserved, "Good job on getting Mr. _______ the help he needed to pass his test" or "Great dinner, thank you." While others are just polite, friendly encouragement, "I love what you've done with your hair," or "You have a lot going on upstairs; you should start a blog." I really don't know the difference. When people start acknowledging me in positive ways, I tend to take it deeply to heart. You know how your pet acts when you first get home from work? That's what goes on in parts of my head when someone is nice to me. It's addictive and overpowering, and so the other parts of my brain gang up and try to counterbalance the praise with ridicule. It's a very unpleasant process. Happy puppy, kick the puppy.  Praise is my biggest weakness. Though there is a balance between accepting support or compliments graciously and running away from them, I haven't found it...yet. 

So, with all of this fear and doubt why proceed? Faith. I have faith that God wants me to live a life beyond these fears. He has placed people whom I love and respect in my path. They are here to help in life's journey. More than has said I should start writing, and I always discount it. Though I write in my journals to God specifically, it is all unshared because of these fears.  That is what all this bloggity, blogging is going to be about, sharing what's in my nugget with anyone who cares to take the time to read it because, as a trusted friend recently pointed out, celebrating the self that God has created honors that creation. 

In all actuality, the majority of entries will most likely be much more light-hearted than this one, especially once I get into a groove. If you follow, please participate. It would be great if this were a bit more interactive than the average blog. Pontificating grows tiresome. Comment, ask, argue, post bad poetry that you like--just share your own free samples because I'm hungry, too.